Musings of an Abuse Survivor

Written by: Leonie Segall – December 11, 2012

 

When I met you, you were like a lamb, quiet, calm, comforting and gentle. You brought me flowers and you listened to what I had to say. We went for walks and held hands all the time. You charmed me, and everyone around you. Told them all what they wanted to hear. Did what you thought would make you a star in their eyes, and you became a star in everyone’s eyes and we were all blinded by what you pretended to be.

Only a short time later the flowers stopped coming. You told tall tales that seemed more like fantasy than reality. I noticed that your stories were always an exaggeration, 1% of the truth and 99% of pure make believe. I saw the signs and ignored them; this could not be happening to me, I must have done something wrong. What did I do? How can I fix it? I was blinded by what you pretended to be. I made excuses, but the signs turned into reality, a reality that was hard to live with and made me die inside.

It took some time for the real ‘you’ to come through. You must have been so tired pretending to be that other person. You turned out to be a poisonous snake, stinging and killing all that weren’t how you wanted it to be. It had to be your way or you would bite and leave just enough venom so things would slowly whither and die, slowly enough so that at first it was not noticed. Now you only pretend for the outside world. The true ‘you’ comes back when we close the door.

Your poison spread, and life grew darker and darker. Every breath was filled with the venom of your control. It had to be ‘your’ way or not at all and your venom made sure every thing stayed your way. What a crazy life to live, dying inside but pretending to live on the outside. It was hard to hide the insides as they died. I would forget and have moments of blank time. Not remembering what and who I was because that part of me was dying.

One day I realized that ‘me’ was dying and I didn’t want to let go of that ‘me’. I missed and I loved that ‘me’. I wanted to live for a long time to raise our son and show him the true ‘me’. How strong and resilient I can be. I wanted to show the world that I was still there and most of all I wanted to show myself that I was still there.

I got up and fought the venom. It was hard at times but I kept at it and reminded myself how good it used to be with the ‘me’ that was dying and I got stronger and stronger and the venom left me. My strength was the elixir, the antidote to your venom and it worked. It set me free to be me again.

 

© Copyright 2012 – Leonie Segall