Welcome to Right-On with HFG Happy Families Support Network Inc. (HFG)
HFG is a not-for-profit support group that provides ongoing support to women and children who have experienced abuse
HFG is a free support group for women and children who have experienced abuse, run by women who have experienced abuse
The topic for today is – Negotiating With Your Abuser
You’ll need to negotiate with your abuser to finalize your parenting agreement & child support amount & payment date
Even though your lawyer will act as a buffer between you and your abuser you will still be on an emotional roller coaster
Negotiating with your abuser will feel like being exposed once more to constant abuse but this time it’s in public
You’ll feel scared and intimidated by your abuser. But just remember that you are STRONG and this is for your kids
During negotiating with your abuser, you may feel pressured to agree to a plan that you’re not comfortable with
Do not sign any documents you don’t completely understand or that you are not comfortable with
If you’re uncomfortable with what your lawyer proposes, say it immediately. See if there’s a comfortable middle ground
Make sure when you sign it’s something you can live with for a long time as it’s difficult to change orders once they are final
Your lawyer will guide you within the law when you’re making decisions and should tell you if you’re being unrealistic
Know what you are willing to settle for. Your absolute ’NO’ point…where you draw the line and will go no further
Make two lists, the ‘MUST HAVE’ items and the ‘WOULD BE NICE’ items to guide your negotiations
Review your ‘MUST HAVE’ and ‘WOULD BE NICE’ lists with your lawyer and discuss negotiation strategies
The ‘WOULD BE NICE’ list are the items you use as compromising tools to gain items on your ‘MUST HAVE’ list
When preparing these lists, stay focused and don’t be swayed by anger or feelings of vengeance
Think clearly & long-term when creating your ‘MUST HAVE’ & ‘WOULD BE NICE’ lists as you are setting life for the future
Remember your children are most important in these negotiations and you MUST do what’s best for them
When negotiating with your abuser remember the following abusive attributes to reduce getting hurt:
- Your abuser’s plan is to undermine your authority and destroy your relationship with your children
- Your abuser is always charming and appears reasonable to everyone and is only abusive when you are alone
- Your abuser will never change regardless of what you compromise on in your negotiations
- Your abuser’s main reason for wanting custody maybe to not have to pay child support
- Your abuser may be seeking custody in order to maintain power and control over you
Remember these abusive attributes throughout your negotiations and don’t get distracted by charm or pity
Your abuser will say things and use strategies in negotiations that are known to trigger your deepest emotional responses
Prepare yourself emotionally to negotiate with your abuser as it will not be quick or easy, but you want it to be productive
You will need very thick skin when negotiating with your abuser. Know and learn to deal with your emotional triggers
Keeping your emotions in check while negotiating with your abuser is hard but with help it is possible
A support group for abuse survivors is somewhere you can talk about your emotional triggers and brainstorm resolutions
You can make a notes of things that angered you or you thought was unfair and discuss it at your next support group meeting
Venting at your support group meeting is a more satisfying venting session than venting while negotiating with your abuser
Having a safe place to vent is a great way to help you keep your sanity when negotiating with your abuser
Your thoughts will be more grounded and child centric because you had a chance to express your anger and hurt feelings
If you get angry during negotiations, walk away and clear your head. DON’T MAKE RASH DECISIONS WHEN ANGRY
Walk away, calm down and think of how weeks, months or years in the future would feel with these angry decisions
Abusers often times do not feel obligated to honor agreements they make because of their high level of entitlement
Abusers have an extensive collection of excuses, justifications & lists of what you’ve done why they can’t fulfill obligations
It’s best to include provisions in your parenting agreement that address how future breaches will be dealt with
Make sure your agreements cover all possibilities as much as you can think of ahead of time. Leave nothing to chance
REMEMBER, you may not get everything you want when negotiating. Make sure you are comfortable with all compromises
BE STRONG. Remember you are doing this for your children
Please email comments and questions to right-on@hfgfamilies.com and join the conversation
Thanks for joining Right-On with HFG
We look forward to seeing you next Wednesday November 5 for our weekly Right-On conversation
The topic for next week is – Co-Parenting With Your Abuser
Please email your questions and comments to right-on@hfgfamilies.com
If you would like more information on the HFG support group please email info@hfgfamilies.com
Have a great day! HFG Hugs!!