Welcome to Right-On with HFG Happy Families Support Network Inc. (HFG)
HFG is a not-for-profit support group that provides ongoing support to women and children who have experienced abuse
HFG is run by women who have experienced abuse for women and children who have experienced abuse and is a free service to women and children
The topic for today is The Stages of Abuse
We will talk about the stages of abuse from initially meeting someone to the end of the relationship
1. The Courtship (securing the catch)
You meet the greatest guy ever! He is so awesome he makes all your friends jealous
He treats you like a queen. He wants to spend every waking moment with you. He texts, emails and calls you constantly every day
His calls always start with – where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with?
He shows up at places & times when he’s not expected, he missed you & just wanted to see you, your smile, give you a hug, bring you flowers
First week – he tells you how much he loves you. You are his soul mate & you should move in together so you will never have to say goodbye
He’s never met anyone like you. All other women in his life had so much baggage, never appreciated his romantic side, took him for granted
All the other women in his life used him and pretended to be someone they weren’t
They used him and hurt him emotionally, physically and financially. He broke up with them and had to leave everything behind when he left
You are the person he’s been looking for his whole life. Until he met you he had given up on women. But now…let’s get married
You feel happy, lucky, and a bit overwhelmed by the speed at which this very new relationship is moving
You like him. You like the way he worships you. You like the flowers, and think he is so spontaneous
You think too fast, but everyone likes him. He is so charming, does & says all the right things, everyone says you are so lucky
So you move in together…he moves in with you…
2. The Calm (making sure he’s got you, reeling in the catch)
Everything is so wonderful. He rushes home from work just to make you dinner
He’s so smart. He can talk for hours on so many topics and he’s got such a great sense of humor
He gives you a foot rub when you get home from work just because he knows you are tired
He helps with the chores because you make such a great team
He tells you repeatedly that he doesn’t know what he would do without you
He loves your style, your choice of clothes etc… you look gorgeous
3. The Isolation (first sign of discomfort in the relationship)
Let’s not visit your parents tonight, I didn’t like how they spoke to you last week
Nobody appreciates you the way I do
We need to spend more us time together. I love you
Stay home with me and let’s have a special evening
Your friends are saying mean things about you when you are not there. They don’t really like you
Your friend made a pass at me…I told her I love you. She told me we didn’t have to tell you
He quit his job or got fired. They were all stupid anyway. It was painful working with such stupid people
They are just afraid I would get their jobs so they had to get rid of me. I’m smarter than them
I could tell you all the evil things your friends and family say about you but I don’t want to hurt you like they are doing
I love you so much and I don’t like how your friends and family treat you
You must stop letting people walk all over you. I love you
Let’s move to a different state, province, country, so you can be happy and we can be together. This will be our special adventure
You don’t really want to move away from your family and friends…and your job…
Your family & friends don’t love you, they think you are stupid, fat, have an eating disorder, ugly, don’t deserve anything good…
They are all just using you. Can’t you see that? I love you
They don’t even call you anymore. Don’t you see if you don’t call them they don’t call you?
You start to feel confused…he’s right, you haven’t gotten any calls in the last 2 months
You start to feel angry with your friends and family. How could they treat you like that?
Maybe you just won’t talk to them…see how they like that
4. First Reveal (first sign of discomfort in the relationship)
You make excuses for things he does and says…that’s just not him. He’s depressed because he can’t find a job
He says mean things to you…for a smart person you have a lot of stupid ideas
Don’t wear that dress, it shows that you are fat…miss Big Lady
The meals after work stops…the foot rubs stop…he no longer helps with chores…that’s your job
He hits super highs and lows and whenever he’s low he’s mean…and it’s always your fault
You try to be invisible and placate to prevent the angry outbursts
He gives you mean pet names…Miss fatty, Big Lady…
When you are out together he tells everyone stories that appear to be intimate but are untrue
You are constantly on PMS, there is no good day of the month. You can’t cook it seems you are trying to poison him
You clean, do laundry, do dishes, and he needs to redo them because you did such a bad job
What would you do without him????? If he doesn’t do everything nothing is done right
You feel uncomfortable, but you smile and pretend all is OK
When you tell him the things he says hurts your feelings…he replies you can’t take a joke…where is your sense of humor
He belittles you in public…don’t you think Miss Fatty over there should stop eating? She’s gained so much weight
You feel hurt but you still make excuses…
5. The Abuse
Then one day…he holds you by the neck and pushes you into a wall
He wakes you up every night to fight…until 5 am
1 hour sleep is all you get every night, even though he knows you have to be at work the next day
He tells you, you can get sleep when you learn how to communicate
He blames you for everything…everything he does to you that’s mean…is your fault
Everything he does that hurts you is also your fault
He tells you that if you knew how to communicate none of this would happen
A line from my past…”we have a lot of uncommunicated communications”…
You hide the bruises…you lose confidence…you try to make it better…you try to do better. Nothing works
You change the way you dress, speak, keep your eyes low, don’t upset him
He takes control of the finances…your pay cheque that is…he’s the man and he knows everything about money
The bills are not paid but the money is finished. He blames you for not having enough money
You get your first eviction notice…the phone gets cut off…the electricity gets cut off…
He goes into a rage…he paid the bills they are all liars…and it is all your fault
6. Making up/Blaming
He tells you how sorry he is for hitting you, for saying mean things…it will never happen again. I love you
But also tells you that if his dinner was on time he wouldn’t get angry, or if the house was clean he wouldn’t get angry
You walk on egg shells when he is around not wanting to do or say something to make him angry
7. Questioning the relationship and wanting change, finding your courage
Years pass with you riding this roller coaster. Now you are only a shell of the person you were when you started this relationship
You decide one day that you would like a different life…one without the fear and hurt…
You want to be the person you remember being before this relationship
You decide to leave…you leave…with many threats and name calling
He tells the children you don’t love them anymore and want to break up the family
He says – if this is your behaviour going forward you will lose the children
CAS will remove you from the house and you will never see them again
He calls CAS. He calls the Police…tells them you are violent and abusive and they need to remove you from the house
Tells you – you better get yourself a good lawyer because I’m going to destroy you
You are afraid but you leave….this should make things better…
8. Digging deep to stay strong
But there is abuse after you leave…he shows up at your work…you see him outside your new apartment
He tells the children the meanest things about you…not true of course
He tells the children you destroyed the family and if you behave yourself and come back to him things will be better
He tells the children that you tried to hurt them when they were babies and he had to stop you…
You try to keep it together, but you worry that the children may believe what their dad tells them
You cry a lot! You need help! Where to turn!
Possibilities…Open doors! But doors close one after the other. No help. What to do now?
You need money, a lawyer, someone to talk to, a good cry, can’t give up! Where to go for help?
You feel isolated, depressed, what to do? Where to go? Can’t give up!
9. One step at a time. Keep your eyes on your prize…
There is light at the end of the tunnel…there are services and support groups that are there to help you
Don’t give up…you can do this. You are strong and beautiful and resourceful
Allow yourself to cry…then dust yourself off and hold your head up and take one step at a time to repair your life
Thank you for joining Right-On with HFG. We look forward to seeing you next Wednesday April 30 for our weekly Right-On conversation
The topic for next week is – So You’ve Left…What Now!!??
Please email your questions and comments to right-on@hfgfamilies.com
If you would like more information on the HFG support group please email info@hfgfamilies.com
Have a great day! HFG Hugs!!
