Welcome to Right-On with HFG Happy Families Support Network Inc. (HFG)
HFG is a not-for-profit support group that provides ongoing support to women and children who have experienced abuse
HFG is a free support group for women and children who have experienced abuse, run by women who have experienced abuse
The topic for today is – Talking to your Children about Divorce
So you’ve spent many years with your abusive spouse, and in many cases your children have witnessed the abuse
Now you’ve left the abuser and are preparing for a divorce…what do you tell your children?
Keep in mind that divorce in general is very difficult for everyone, and especially difficult for children
What do you say to your children? And how do you say it?
Here is the scenario…you’ve left the abuser, taken the children and are at a shelter, or staying with a friend
This is a big change for the children, so you need to find the right words and say them in the right way
Choose a time to have this discussion when you are not rushing to appointments or the children are not going to school
This way you will be able to take your time to help them through this very emotionally charged discussion
Explain it to them in a way that they will understand without giving them all the details
Start by letting them know you love them and always will love them
Then explain as simply as possibly that mommy and daddy cannot live together anymore, and that you are getting a divorce
Reassure them that this is not their fault; that this is between mommy and daddy
Be prepared for questions, sadness and anger, but stay calm
Tell them as much as you know of how their life will change as a result of the divorce
Where they will live, who they will live with, and how often they will see the other parent
If you have not yet agreed on custody and access, explain that you are working out a schedule and you will let them know as soon as you’re done
Try and answer their questions as honestly as possible without going into too many details
Remember that the grown-ups are the ones getting a divorce not the children
Children may feel confused. They love the abusive parent, but they hate the things they do
Encourage them to express their feelings…it’s OK to cry and be angry, but they must always talk to you about our feelings
Remember that you are the adult and should be comforting your children, not the children comforting you
Once again remind your children that they are not the reason for the divorce
Remind them that there is nothing they could have done to change the abuser
Repeat regularly that you love them and that nothing that happens between mommy and daddy will ever change that
Fear is a big part of their feelings at this time. Fear that you will divorce them as well. Fear for their safety and yours
So constantly remind them that you love them and that the divorce will never change that
You will need to revisit this discussion with your children on a regular basis as they won’t understand it all in one conversation
Be very attentive to your children. Communication is different for children and adults
Children are not able to express themselves through words alone
Often, younger children communicate their innermost thoughts through playing
By being attentive, you will learn to recognize and understand the meaning of your children’s activities, facial expressions and body language
Don’t make promises that you can’t keep
Keep in mind that your children are usually aware of the tension, and sometimes witnessed the abuse, so be honest at all times
Become a good listener. This will help you communicate effectively with your children
Give children and teenagers a say in their lives. Good parenting involves listening to your children and giving them appropriate choices so they don’t always feel powerless
You can use a story about imaginary children in the same circumstances to help your children work out how they are feeling
Make sure these stories include your children’s specific worries and fears
Ask questions after your story…how do you think that child feels?
This will give your children to a chance to talk about their own feelings without thinking that you may get sad or angry
Maintain as much routine and continuity as possible
Your children will need extra attention and care to help them through this difficult time, even if they appear to be coping well
They need to know that it is okay for them to feel angry and sad about losses that have resulted from the violence and divorce
Even though this is a difficult time for your children, don’t be afraid to set limits in a firm but loving manner
Also, take some time to have fun. Go to the park and play like a child with your children or have a picnic
Try and make life as normal as possible
Remember that children may need a neutral third party to talk about what is happening
Take them to a Therapist. The Therapist will provide a safe place for your children to talk about how they feel
The children will get help working through their feelings and learn coping skills
Remember this is hard for you as an adult making the decision to divorce, so it is much harder for your children who might not understand everything
BE PATIENT. BE SENSITIVE. BE LOVING. BE STRONG. YOU CAN DO THIS!
Thank you for joining Right-On with HFG. We look forward to seeing you next Wednesday May 21 for our weekly Right-On conversation
The topic for next week is – Parenting After Divorce
Please email your questions and comments to right-on@hfgfamilies.com
If you would like more information on the HFG support group please email info@hfgfamilies.com
Have a great day! HFG Hugs!!
